Second Time Review: Transformers

I didn't break anything, hurt myself or vomit when watching Transformers for the second time, and I think that's proof that I've completed a 12 step process to accept its existence in this world. Really, the key to the process is to stop thinking of it as a "film." Transformers is a actually series of kickass montages, connected by sequences of Megan Fox dressed like a prostitute, bored actors repeating lines that don't make sense, building-sized robots stomping on flower gardens and stereotypically hot blonde girls/loud fat black people cracking alien encryption codes. When you think about it that way, it's kind of hard to hate. Robots look awesome, explosions look awesome, Megan Fox looks awesome. Thats it!

MS Paint Review: Transformers

One Paragraph Review: Transformers

If you were to simply replace every one of the brilliantly executed action sequences in Transformers with a b-movie sex scene (without even changing the cast), you'd have yourself a movie which would pass unnoticed as another every day softcore porno flick. That is the real crime that Michael Bay has committed with this movie: Transformers didn't have to be the "mindless action movie" equivalent of a porno. In the eyes of a different creator, Transformers could have been a complete masterpiece like Lord of the Rings or Serenity, with characters that we care about. Instead, Bay dumps a shitheap of bad-acting (die, Megan Fox, die), personality-less characters (robots and humans alike), idiotic dialog and wasteful writing/directing onto a magnificent visual and auditory recreation of giant robots fucking blowing shit up. As much as I'd love to bemoan what Bay did with the great Transformers universe, the real pity is what he didn't do with it.

One Paragraph Review: Transformers

My Lord, how desperately did this movie want to be Independence Day? In addition to attempting (and failing) to re-create the great ID4, Transformers injected an annoying and painful theme of teen-angst and humor throughout its lengthy runtime. The entire thing was atrocious. I have little doubt Transformers will stand as the worst movie of 2007. Why is this? Because anyone can make a bad movie about anything — see below for review of Evan Almighty — but it takes someone unique to take a brand as revered and incredible as The Transformers and reduce it to a sub-B-movie with a three hundred million dollar budget. Though, the action scenes were pretty sweet.