One Paragraph Review: Gattaca

It's been a long time since I first saw Gattaca, and I'd forgotten what excellent, top-notch sci-fi it is. Watching it now makes me wonder why it seems that we've lost what makes sci-fi movies great. Great sci-fi should simply frame humanity in a wider, Carl Sagan-esque perspective and context, showing humanity next to unfamiliar/alien "things." But somewhere along the line, the sci-fi genre became focused on those alien things - space ships, aliens, stars exploding, time travel, etc... - losing the point entirely. Gattaca gets it exactly right, though, being entertaining and thoughtful, causing us to reflect on ourselves instead of getting lost in the whizbang nerdyness.

One Paragraph Review: Obsessed

Easily one of the worst movies I've seen in a while (and I recently watched GI Joe, forfuckssake), Obsessed unexpectedly proves a few things about the universe which i'd been unsure of. It proves that absolutely anybody can write a script, and it might get made no matter how shit awful it is. It proves that you actually can survive watching a movie with the unbearable Beyonce in it - EVEN WITH her incessant music! - which frankly I would have bet heavily against. Its definitely proof that Ali Larter is mega hot, and most importantly, that you should probably just go watch The Wire instead of anything else that Idris Elba is in. Don't ever watch this movie, and Ali Larter, feel free to be obsessed with me anytime.

One Paragraph Review: The Last Airbender

What an utter disappointment. Watching this movie makes you cringe so hard that you start to wonder what kind of people Shyamalan surrounds himself with. How did nobody else's ears start to bleed when they watched this movie? Shyamalan clearly gets the material. He gets the style, he gets the fantasy, he gets the concept, and I think he even gets the whole overarching plot. How then can he so totally NOT deliver this to a script? Nothing he's touched in the past approaches this level of unwatchability, plagued by lifeless actors reading lines that don't make sense. Did he even watch how ridiculous his characters looked kicking bad CGI fireballs around? And what the hell is that big white flying Falcor-rip off that just flies around the movie moaning?? Do yourself a favor and avoid this; the handful of visually neat scenes just aren't worth killing what I bet is a neat cartoon.

One Paragraph Review: The Karate Kid

It's worth noting that it was probably impossible for me to really like this movie unless I ended up just watching the 1984 Ralph Macchio version. Despite that, this wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I found Jaden Smith to be very unlikable (possibly I am still scarred from The Day the Earth Stood Still), but Jackie Chan was quite good. It's entertaining and respectful to the original, a very young Chinese girl does a very unsettling dance to "Pokerface" and - oh fuck it, who cares; from the moment this movie started, all I cared about was how they were going to handle the Crane Kick. Next to finding One-Eyed Willy's treasure and Maverick re-engaging, the Crane Kick was probably the most important thing I saw on a TV screen growing up. So, how is it in this remake? It sucks. I don't know how I would have done it differently, maybe just give in and copy it directly? - but then again, I wouldn't have fucking remade this movie in the first place!

One Paragraph Review: Aliens vs Predator: Requiem

Ok, so in RandomRuralville, Colorado, Ricky is a down on his luck nice guy who has a thing for the town hot blonde girl Jesse, but Jesse is now dating a douchebag named Dale. Fortunately for Ricky, Jesse finds being a boring loser pizza delivery guy to be an aphrodesiac, so she really actually likes Ricky. Ricky's brother Dallas has just returned from doing minor time in jail for breaking and entering, and they don't get along very well (but have a mutual bro-respect going on). Angry boyfriend Dale jumps Ricky, beats him up, and throws his keys down the sewage drain, which sucks. BUT, Jesse eventually dumps Dale, which rocks, and then inexplicably tells Ricky that they should meet up at the town swimming pool after hours for some naughty time, which rocks even MORE. So they meet up in the swimming pool, Jesse takes her clothes off, and things start to get awesome --- wait wait WHERE ARE THE ALIENS AND PREDATORS?!!?

Second Time Review: Transformers

I didn't break anything, hurt myself or vomit when watching Transformers for the second time, and I think that's proof that I've completed a 12 step process to accept its existence in this world. Really, the key to the process is to stop thinking of it as a "film." Transformers is a actually series of kickass montages, connected by sequences of Megan Fox dressed like a prostitute, bored actors repeating lines that don't make sense, building-sized robots stomping on flower gardens and stereotypically hot blonde girls/loud fat black people cracking alien encryption codes. When you think about it that way, it's kind of hard to hate. Robots look awesome, explosions look awesome, Megan Fox looks awesome. Thats it!

One Paragraph Review: The Buena Vista Social Club

Somehow, this documentary managed to do exactly what the album of the same name did for me, and that is to make me feel like I'm sitting in a small Cuban cafe, smoking a cigar and listening to the smooth sound of old wise Cuban men playing Cuban music. The film kind of starts abruptly for a documentary, jumping right into one-on-one interviews with those who contributed to the Buena Vista Social Club album, but you're engrossed just as quickly as the film starts, and by the end of the movie you feel a special connection with, and enormous admiration for, each of these awesome musicians. Anyone who enjoyed the album, or just wants to get a feel for Cuba, can't miss this.

One Paragraph Review: The Prestige

I've only just seen this film - nearly 4 years after it's release - and have been left wondering why the hell I waited so long. This movie has all the great elements of a top notch Christopher Nolan film: fantastic actors, clever and engaging plot, great story telling and absolutely killer narrative. The narrative structure of the film deserves special attention, tackling an approach that only a great director and screenwriter could make happen. I was even pleasantly surprised that the film asked some deep, thematic questions that had me thinking after the film was over. All around excellent, I can't imagine anybody I wouldn't recommend this to.

One Paragraph Review: Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

This is the worst movie I've seen in a long time. Its so stupid that all you can do is wonder why people bother to make movies if they're going to put such little effort into it. Everybody outside of the effects team that was involved in this movie really just shat the bed, with special finger pointing going to Jessica Alba, who painfully reminds us all of how totally devoid of acting skills or ability she truly is. Everything is so childish and banal that it's impossible to care about anything happening, so honestly, don't see this; go light your feet on fire or something instead.

One Paragraph Review: Moon

Moon falls into that under appreciated category of films which are focused and completely uninterested in appealing to the broadest audience possible. Moon aptly combines the ambiance of 2001: Space Odyssey with the slow, brooding pace of Solaris and the isolation of Cast Away. Sam Rockwell delivers one of the most mezmerizing performances I've seen in years as the film slowly but thoughtfully prods at a themes of isolation, identity, servitude and half a dozen others. It's interesting, clever, and immacualtely constructed even though, to some of people, it will probably move a bit too slowly.

Second Time Review: Batman Begins

The first time I saw Batman Begins, I immediately declared it the best 'comic book movie,' and when I saw The Dark Night, I was forced to slide Batman Begins down to the second best 'comic book movie' ever. Yesterday Isaw Batman Begins again, and it suddenly dawned on me that this new Christopher Nolan "Batman" franchise of films may be the definitive portrait of good versus evil in modern cinema. Now, hold on - I realize it's "just" a comic book at it's heart, but we're talking universal, deep themes about the meaning of real justice and what happens to those who persue it. Batman Begins gives birth to this franchise audaciously; tackling the epic themes that the previous Batman films couldn't take "a comic book" seriously enough to tackle, and does so with fucking Liam Neeson being a total badass as Ra's al Ghul. Amazing.

One Paragraph Review: Balls of Fury

I love playing ping pong, this is a silly movie all about ping pong. I have a well documented affinity for hot girls, and this movie has a super hot Asian girl in it. I have an equally well documented mancrush on Christopher Walken, and this movie has him as an eccentric sort-of-crazy Asian dictator guy! So, this film is gold, right? Let me tell you something: so cruel is this world that we live in, that people are allowed to combine Christopher Walken, hot asian girls and ping pong and still produce shitty movies. Pardon me while I go watch the music video for Weapon of Choice and drink-to-forget.

One Paragraph Review: The Hangover

What a clever idea for a film. Sure, it's basically a more serious version of "Dude, Where's My Car?" but it's tons of fun. Most of us have had the experience of trying to piece together a particularly out-of-control night of revelry and The Hangover does a hilarious job of showing us one of the most epic nights of debauchery ever. Everything is hilarious, from the subtle facial expressions of disbelief to the most insane of activities. I was particularly pleased that they completely refrained from showing what happened on the night in question, instead letting the narrative be set by the events of "the morning after." I only wish they hadn't revealed so much in the trailer, as some of this (the tiger, the baby, Mike Tyson, etc..) would have been excellent surprises.

One Paragraph Review: Avatar

Avatar IMAX is the most amazing ('amazing'adjective: "inspiring awe or wonder") film I've ever seen, while being almost as dumb as it is amazing. There is really so much to say about Avatar that it's impossible to summarize my thoughts in just a few sentences. It's like a Franken-film, existing entirely as glued together pieces of already made movies, as if Cameron had to avoid originality because he lost a bet or something. Every character is a cliche, without exception. The plot is Dune-but-kinda-different. It's violent but rarely too violent. There's a 'love story,' but no romance or love or sex. There's cursing, but no chance of offending even the most prudish. There's a beautiful planet and ecosystem, but you aren't given any details. The characters have some dialog, but no conversations ever take place. It's like "Epic Film Stew", but with the eccentricities boiled away and some psychotropic drugs added in so that you don't notice the core is actually pretty bland. Fortunately, the drugs are epic - you've seen it all before, it's just never caught your imagination like this, or been so perfectly assembled. In fact, if you told me that I didn't actually see a new film called "Avatar," but had instead taken acid and watched Ferngully, I would probably believe you. Then, I would probably go get some more acid and do it all over again, because when I wasn't distracted by the weak story or characters, my heart was nearly bursting out of my chest. It's probably worth your money and time.

One Paragraph Review: Julie and Julia

I had planned on retiring to the bedroom or the office (or anywhere else) when my girlfriend put on "Julie & Julia," but after peripherally catching the first 10 or 15 minutes of the film, I found myself engaged just enough to sit through the whole thing. It turns out that Julie & Julia is a quaint and charming little film, not really doing anything annoying while riding the strength of Meryl Streep's magnetic portrayal of Julia Child. Amy Adams is fun despite crying in every other scene and, if you enjoy cooking as I do, you'll find that the film's subject alone is enough to keep your interest.

One Paragraph Review: Caprica

I grabbed the 2-hour pilot/premier of the new series Caprica on DVD because Ronald D. Moore and David Eick's "Battlestar Galactica" was one of three TV series that I've really loved in the last ten or so years (the other two being The West Wing and The Wire). Being doubtful that they could re-capture the many things that made BSG so great, I actually had fairly low expectations. Luckily, however, I didn't give Moore and Eick enough credit - Caprica's pilot is great. Though it's thematically pretty dark - a tragedy being the catalyst for the show's major plot arcs - Caprica is packed with complex content, deep characters and distinctive style. Caprica City is at once a familiar town and foreign civiliation, and its polytheistic, futuristic populace is simultaneously alien and human. Of course, as a piece unto itself, the Caprica pilot lacks a measure of closure. However, as a springboard for a new series, the Caprica pilot is packed with quality writing, powerful characters, themes upon themes and loads of promise.

One Paragraph Review: Primer

I really can't form a coherent stream of thoughts about Primer. I mean, I love this film, but part of me thinks that it's just because I'm in awe of the way it so totally confuses me; but not in a convoluted or stupid way, in a way that has enough logic and math that I'm utterly convinced that it is possible to form a complete, accurate picture of what is happening but totally helplessly unable to do so. No, it's not just adolescent admiration - this film is fantastic, even if I can't fully wrap my mind around what is actually happening. It's a fun, complicated spin on a simple, unoriginal concept. Throw in the fact that it was made for a paltry $7,000 - probably the cost of Michael Bay's haircuts during a Transformers film - and you have a work that really deserves your attention.

One Paragraph Review: Up in the Air

I imagine there will be a lot of people who chose to hate on this film, being angry and impatient with its subtle honesty or frustrated with nothing blowing up and no quarrels between ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends (and no teen vampires, either!). But for those patient enough to really observe everyone in the film, Jason Reitman's desire to explore the human condition is here in full force. Up in the Air is a fantastic, flawlessly acted meditation on what it means to be "connected" with people in our modern world. This is one of those films that will have you reflecting on your life, and that of those around you, far after you leave the theater.

One Paragraph Review: 500 Days of Summer

500 Days of Summer is a fun and entertaining film that, for the most part, balances an off-beat attitude with a sense of honesty. The film is at its worst when it rehashes typical romantic movie cliches for no apparent reason, but at its best when it's making a point that most "romance" films don't (or can't) ever bother with. In the end, 500 Days of Summer does things just enough differently to make it worth your while, but is just enough like other love stories to prevent it from really being amazing.

One Paragraph Review: The Men Who Stare At Goats

I would have enjoyed this movie far more if I had opted to never see it, and instead just re-watched the promising trailer. Clooney, Spacey, Bridges, McGregor + absurdity = How can this possibly go wrong? Well, somehow it did, and it is a massive disappointment. It's hilarious for a few seconds at a time (most of which are included in the trailer), but those moments simply don't come often enough. Most of the film sort of trudges along, sometimes abandoning its direction and picking a totally different one. In the end, this film isn't consistently amusing, but feels too absurd to be taken seriously.