One Paragraph Review: Hammer of the Gods

Sadly, Hammer of the Gods is not a Led Zeppelin biopic. Instead, we join a small band of 7th century warriors as they venture to find the estranged prince of a British-Viking kingdom. The leader of the Vikings, Steinar, is unfit to ascend to be king, but sets out on the quest in order to prove his worth. The movie is visually quite striking, and I recommend that some director out there hire the Director of Photography and set designer. Everyone else who worked on this film should probably go back to film school.

One Paragraph Review: Pariah

Pariah tells the story of Alike, a 17-year old girl in Brooklyn, who comes out as a Lesbian to her family and best friend. I'll spoil things a little and say this movie is really sad. Alike is a quiet, conservative girl (not politically) and struggles with her identity, alongside equally conservative parents. Pariah is well written, well acted and incredibly well directed. Pariah is the kind of low budget, independent movie you may not have heard of, and probably wouldn't opt to watch, but you should. Really, everyone should see this movie.

One Paragraph Review: Robin Hood

This movie was pretty fucking awful. It's as if Ridley Scott finished watching the director's cut of Kingdom of Heaven, and concluded the biggest problem was that the 4 and 1/2 hour movie was not nearly long enough. Ridley Scott's Robin Hood — which, by the way, is actually a prequel to the story you and I know — contains a cast of a thousand named characters, barely coherent plot and a rather curious interpretation of the Baron's War. I actually thought Russell Crowe and Cate Blanchett did pretty good jobs, but the pacing was all wrong. There were too many characters to keep track of anything. The movie relies on the fact that you already love the Robin Hood characters, and just sort of drives the story along. I get what Scott was trying to do: create an action packed prequel movie to the legend/series we know and love. But wow did he miss the mark.

One Paragraph Review: Congo

Recently, I've encountered something termed "The Saint" effect. This effect is noticeable when watching a loved movie from one's youth in adulthood, only to realize that the movie is actually pretty freaking bad. This effect comes from the movie "The Saint" which rules but is actually pretty lame. Michael Critchton's Congo, I'm proud to report, doesn't suffer from this effect. The movie is decidedly mid-90s in its effects and filmmaking, but it's still pretty fun and enjoyable. There's good acting performance from the three main characters, and a fun sci-fi/fantasy storyline. Fun movie for a Sunday afternoon once football and all other interesting sports have concluded.

One Paragraph Review: Serenity

If you gave me a pot of gold and told me to go make a movie, I would return with Hot Fuzz. if you gave me a pot of gold and told me to make a sci-fi movie, I would return with Serenity. I love this movie that much. Really, there's just nothing worth changing or complaining about. The story is great. The acting is great. The action is great. The dialogue rocks. May best of all, the art direction supports what is great about this movie. Serenity doesn't try to be anything it isn't. It knows its place and just rules at it. This movie is not Nate Kaeding.

One Paragraph Review: Away We Go

This was a sweet and extremely heartfelt movie, and I liked it a lot. Away We Go tells the story of two soon-to-be parents just trying to figure out how this crazy world works. In some ways, this is a great "protagonist movie" -- and by that I mean the movie does a great job of connecting you with the two main characters. I sympathized with their "plight" and I identified with their adventure, despite the fact that I've never dealt with that situation. This move is also one that I probably wouldn't have been able to identify with just a few years ago. But that makes it no less relevant or interesting. Away We Go was also really fucking hilarious.

One Paragraph Review: 21 Grams

I will be the first to admit that I really didn't understand this movie. At all. I didn't understand why the characters behaved the way they did. I didn't understand or sympathize with their actions. The three main characters seemed like completely depraved human beings. Yet my reaction is completely at odds with everyone else who sees this movie. Did I miss something? After seeing the movie, I went out and read several plot summaries. Yet I still don't feel like I understood why any of the characters made any of the decisions they did. The acting was jarring but I just did not connect. The yelling and crying and screaming all seemed warranted and justified, but I couldn't for the life of me tell you why. I don't say this to intentionally sound obtuse or curmudgeonly. Honestly, I don't. I had no idea what the hell this movie was about but you should still see it.

Haiku Review: Avatar

Is this Ferngully?
Look at the pretty pictures
No alien sex

Second Time Review: Star Trek

The first time I saw Star Trek I absolutely loved it. It was a knock you out of your chair, thrill ride that reminds you how much it can be to fly around the stars. Importantly, its a reboot that focuses on getting you to like the characters, and want to root for them. From there, all else is possible. That said, upon second viewing the movie is a little less coherent. Star Trek does a great job of taking you along for the ride, and never stopping to ask itself, "does what I'm saying make any sense?" And that's fine. Because when you're having that much fun its a drag to tell yourself to slow down and be responsible. Kirk plays fast and loose with the rules, and so should the movie.

One Paragraph Review: Sherlock Holmes

I rather enjoyed Sherlock Holmes despite its slow pacing and unexciting ending. In general, I love Guy Richie movies for the action and twists, and the fun ride they take you on. He's like a dumber (in a good way) British Quentin Tarantino without all the weirdness (in a bad way). Yet he really didn't add anything to this movie. It felt like it could have been directed by Joe Schmo. All that said, the dialogue and acting was just great. Robert Downey Jr. makes a great Holmes and clearly relishes the role. Not a great movie but this is exactly the sort of thing you purchase cable for.

One Paragraph Review: Sunshine Cleaning

I can't call this a bad meal but it really wasn't anything to save in the recipe book. Sunshine Cleaning tells the story of a down-on-her luck young mother who gets into the business cleaning up crime scenes and dead bodies. There were a lot of "independent film" elements to the movie — indy sister, precocious and overly smart son, shopkeeper with one arm, Albuquerque, etc. — but I'm not sure the story wasn't anything you couldn't get from a good TV drama. And how many films can Alan Arkin play the quirky yet stable father? And how many of 'em have "Sunshine" in the title? This movie was basically an indie stew that just didn't taste that great in the end.

One Paragraph Review: Quantum of Solace

It might be tough for me to put into words how colossally disappointed I was with this movie. But here's an attempt. By itself, the movie was a barely coherent clump of action scenes, uneven dialogue, less-than-zero character development, all packaged with an eye-rollingly bad plot. Buy my real disappointment stems from the dive the franchise has taken after the blissful and fulfilling Casino Royale. We were presented with a franchise reboot that was smart, grounded and (for the most part) realistic. Bond is at his worst when he's Superman: when he can drive all manner of cars, boats and airplanes; when he can woo women and treat people as if they have nothing to do with anything; when baddies can fire semi-automatic rifles from feet away and the bullets disappear into thin air. Basically, Quantum of Solace was a return to everything I hated about the late Pierce Brosnan Bond movies. Let us pray that Quantum was an unfortunate blip in the franchise reboot, and it wasn't Casino Royale that was the blip.

One Paragraph Review: Slumdog Millionaire

Slumdog Millionaire is the best movie of 2008. There, I said it. I know it cleaned up at the Oscars but it really deserved too. The movie is entirely uplifting, yet is riveting and thrilling up until that satisfying ending. The acting is tremendous. The editing supports and strengthens the other elements of the film, rather than pull them down. The music is incredible. With the exception of Heat and the Big Lebowski, I can't think of any other films where I finished the movie and wanted to hit rewind and watch it all over again. Slumdog Millionaire is one of these movies. Tremendous film.

One Paragraph Review: Be Kind Rewind

I could try and describe the story and meaning behind Be Kind Rewind, but I don't really think my explanation would make sense. And Be Kind Rewind doesn't really make a whole lot of sense, either. The story is sort of inane and downright weird, but Michel Gondrey's directing is compelling and by the end I couldn't help but like this movie. Be Kind Rewind has a very neat and warm ending. I don't know if most of the cast are random people or unknown professional actors, but the nameless faces were a welcome change from "big name" comedies. I say this with the caveat that the movie, of course, stars Jack Black, Mos Def, Danny Glover, Mia Farrow and features a random cameo by Sigorney Weaver. If you can stomach the meandering story, I think you might just enjoy the art behind this movie.

One Paragraph Review: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

You get home from work. Your tired, even exhausted. It's been a long day. For hours you'd dreamed of coming home and laying down on your plush leather couch. You take off your tightly wound dress shoes, and put your feet up and relax. You remember the best part of coming home though: your delicious left overs from the best restaurant in town! This is one of your all time favorite restaurants, and lucky you, there was some left overs from your last trip. You jump up, your spirit buoyed by the thought of the delicious and pleasant reheated meal you're about to enjoy. You open your fridge, only to find out that someone has covered the entire fridge, and your food, top to bottom, in six solid inches of human excrement. Shit covers your refrigerator, and now fills your entire apartment with the stench of thousands of people shitting thousands of meals. This is the feeling I got from watching Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

One Paragraph Review: Taking Chance

Taking Chance relays the true story of the escort home of PFC Chance Phelps, after he was killed in combat in Iraq in 2004. To be honest, I'm conflicted as to what I think of this movie. On the one hand, I found the story fascinating and moving. Kevin Bacon's subtle and affecting performance strikes exactly the right notes. He is solemn yet warm. The film made good use (maybe too much use) of wide shots to show the various points of Phelps's trip home. But on the other hand, I wonder if this movie would mean anything if you haven't been directly affected by the wars in Iraq or Afghanistan. The movie does not flesh out a story from which viewers can subscribe to the drama of the Phelps family. Viewers are left to fill in the blanks with their own personal experience and sadness. And perhaps the real sadness of Taking Chance is that there are enough people who can fill in their own stories.

One Paragraph Review: Definitely, Maybe

Definitely, Maybe is the bionic chick flick. It takes bits and pieces from other chick flicks, and assembles them into the Super Chick Flick. Let me further sum this movie up with an analogy: Dead Alive is to gore what Definitely, Maybe is to cheese. Sometimes the movie was so cheesy I wanted to scream. Actually, I did scream. Many times. At one particularly bad part one of my stuffed animals barfed on me. This movie got hosed down in grade-A Hollywood manufactured and processed cheese. While the movie was cinematically pretty well made, I would have preferred to see period dress and hair styles from the early 90s parts of the movie. Is it so hard to dig up flower-patterned ties and flannel shirts? Unless your choice is "or death" you should avoid this cheese blizzard.

One Paragraph Review: Zack and Miri Make a Porno

Zack and Miri tries admirably to tell a story about what happens when people try to have sex without feelings. There were some funny moments (and one gut wrenching scene involving a certain body function) but the moral of the story does sort of kill the funny. My biggest problem though was that I just didn't buy the acting. Zack aka Seth Rogan basically plays the same character as his other movies. And that's fine. And funny. But I just did not buy Elizabeth Banks in her role as Miri. I guess the role was specifically written for Rosario Dawson, but it didn't make sense to me. Miri is supposed to be this pathetic and ignored girl. But Elizabeth Banks is stunningly good looking. It's a gap that the movie never attempted to address.

One Paragraph Review: Step Brothers

Is it just me or has it been a while since there was a funny Will Ferrell movie? It's been several years since I laughed as hard as when I saw Anchorman or the Rickey Bobby movie. Stepbrothers wasn't on that level, but it was still pretty good. Mary Steenbergen particularly stood out as the Mom of Will Farrell and John C. Reily. I think Brad said in his review that you should be drunk while watching this movie, to laugh louder. You don't have to be drunk but I guess it wouldn't hurt.

One Paragraph Review: Live Free or Die Hard

This was a very enjoyable movie, despite the fact that almost nothing in it makes any sense at all. John McClane comes back in the fourth film of this great trilogy to battle cyber hackers, French mercenaries, F-35s and one "Asian ninja bitch." The action is great. However, when watching this movie it is very important that you ask no questions at all. None. The movie is completely absurd and you should just accept it and enjoy the explosions.