One Paragraph Review: Aliens vs Predator: Requiem

Ok, so in RandomRuralville, Colorado, Ricky is a down on his luck nice guy who has a thing for the town hot blonde girl Jesse, but Jesse is now dating a douchebag named Dale. Fortunately for Ricky, Jesse finds being a boring loser pizza delivery guy to be an aphrodesiac, so she really actually likes Ricky. Ricky's brother Dallas has just returned from doing minor time in jail for breaking and entering, and they don't get along very well (but have a mutual bro-respect going on). Angry boyfriend Dale jumps Ricky, beats him up, and throws his keys down the sewage drain, which sucks. BUT, Jesse eventually dumps Dale, which rocks, and then inexplicably tells Ricky that they should meet up at the town swimming pool after hours for some naughty time, which rocks even MORE. So they meet up in the swimming pool, Jesse takes her clothes off, and things start to get awesome --- wait wait WHERE ARE THE ALIENS AND PREDATORS?!!?

Second Time Review: Transformers

I didn't break anything, hurt myself or vomit when watching Transformers for the second time, and I think that's proof that I've completed a 12 step process to accept its existence in this world. Really, the key to the process is to stop thinking of it as a "film." Transformers is a actually series of kickass montages, connected by sequences of Megan Fox dressed like a prostitute, bored actors repeating lines that don't make sense, building-sized robots stomping on flower gardens and stereotypically hot blonde girls/loud fat black people cracking alien encryption codes. When you think about it that way, it's kind of hard to hate. Robots look awesome, explosions look awesome, Megan Fox looks awesome. Thats it!

One Paragraph Review: The Buena Vista Social Club

Somehow, this documentary managed to do exactly what the album of the same name did for me, and that is to make me feel like I'm sitting in a small Cuban cafe, smoking a cigar and listening to the smooth sound of old wise Cuban men playing Cuban music. The film kind of starts abruptly for a documentary, jumping right into one-on-one interviews with those who contributed to the Buena Vista Social Club album, but you're engrossed just as quickly as the film starts, and by the end of the movie you feel a special connection with, and enormous admiration for, each of these awesome musicians. Anyone who enjoyed the album, or just wants to get a feel for Cuba, can't miss this.

One Paragraph Review: The Prestige

I've only just seen this film - nearly 4 years after it's release - and have been left wondering why the hell I waited so long. This movie has all the great elements of a top notch Christopher Nolan film: fantastic actors, clever and engaging plot, great story telling and absolutely killer narrative. The narrative structure of the film deserves special attention, tackling an approach that only a great director and screenwriter could make happen. I was even pleasantly surprised that the film asked some deep, thematic questions that had me thinking after the film was over. All around excellent, I can't imagine anybody I wouldn't recommend this to.

One Paragraph Review: Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

This is the worst movie I've seen in a long time. Its so stupid that all you can do is wonder why people bother to make movies if they're going to put such little effort into it. Everybody outside of the effects team that was involved in this movie really just shat the bed, with special finger pointing going to Jessica Alba, who painfully reminds us all of how totally devoid of acting skills or ability she truly is. Everything is so childish and banal that it's impossible to care about anything happening, so honestly, don't see this; go light your feet on fire or something instead.

One Paragraph Review: Moon

Moon falls into that under appreciated category of films which are focused and completely uninterested in appealing to the broadest audience possible. Moon aptly combines the ambiance of 2001: Space Odyssey with the slow, brooding pace of Solaris and the isolation of Cast Away. Sam Rockwell delivers one of the most mezmerizing performances I've seen in years as the film slowly but thoughtfully prods at a themes of isolation, identity, servitude and half a dozen others. It's interesting, clever, and immacualtely constructed even though, to some of people, it will probably move a bit too slowly.

Second Time Review: Batman Begins

The first time I saw Batman Begins, I immediately declared it the best 'comic book movie,' and when I saw The Dark Night, I was forced to slide Batman Begins down to the second best 'comic book movie' ever. Yesterday Isaw Batman Begins again, and it suddenly dawned on me that this new Christopher Nolan "Batman" franchise of films may be the definitive portrait of good versus evil in modern cinema. Now, hold on - I realize it's "just" a comic book at it's heart, but we're talking universal, deep themes about the meaning of real justice and what happens to those who persue it. Batman Begins gives birth to this franchise audaciously; tackling the epic themes that the previous Batman films couldn't take "a comic book" seriously enough to tackle, and does so with fucking Liam Neeson being a total badass as Ra's al Ghul. Amazing.

One Paragraph Review: Balls of Fury

I love playing ping pong, this is a silly movie all about ping pong. I have a well documented affinity for hot girls, and this movie has a super hot Asian girl in it. I have an equally well documented mancrush on Christopher Walken, and this movie has him as an eccentric sort-of-crazy Asian dictator guy! So, this film is gold, right? Let me tell you something: so cruel is this world that we live in, that people are allowed to combine Christopher Walken, hot asian girls and ping pong and still produce shitty movies. Pardon me while I go watch the music video for Weapon of Choice and drink-to-forget.

One Paragraph Review: Serenity

If you gave me a pot of gold and told me to go make a movie, I would return with Hot Fuzz. if you gave me a pot of gold and told me to make a sci-fi movie, I would return with Serenity. I love this movie that much. Really, there's just nothing worth changing or complaining about. The story is great. The acting is great. The action is great. The dialogue rocks. May best of all, the art direction supports what is great about this movie. Serenity doesn't try to be anything it isn't. It knows its place and just rules at it. This movie is not Nate Kaeding.

One Paragraph Review: Away We Go

This was a sweet and extremely heartfelt movie, and I liked it a lot. Away We Go tells the story of two soon-to-be parents just trying to figure out how this crazy world works. In some ways, this is a great "protagonist movie" -- and by that I mean the movie does a great job of connecting you with the two main characters. I sympathized with their "plight" and I identified with their adventure, despite the fact that I've never dealt with that situation. This move is also one that I probably wouldn't have been able to identify with just a few years ago. But that makes it no less relevant or interesting. Away We Go was also really fucking hilarious.