One Paragraph Review: Hammer of the Gods

Sadly, Hammer of the Gods is not a Led Zeppelin biopic. Instead, we join a small band of 7th century warriors as they venture to find the estranged prince of a British-Viking kingdom. The leader of the Vikings, Steinar, is unfit to ascend to be king, but sets out on the quest in order to prove his worth. The movie is visually quite striking, and I recommend that some director out there hire the Director of Photography and set designer. Everyone else who worked on this film should probably go back to film school.

One Paragraph Review: Pariah

Pariah tells the story of Alike, a 17-year old girl in Brooklyn, who comes out as a Lesbian to her family and best friend. I'll spoil things a little and say this movie is really sad. Alike is a quiet, conservative girl (not politically) and struggles with her identity, alongside equally conservative parents. Pariah is well written, well acted and incredibly well directed. Pariah is the kind of low budget, independent movie you may not have heard of, and probably wouldn't opt to watch, but you should. Really, everyone should see this movie.

One Paragraph Review: Gattaca

It's been a long time since I first saw Gattaca, and I'd forgotten what excellent, top-notch sci-fi it is. Watching it now makes me wonder why it seems that we've lost what makes sci-fi movies great. Great sci-fi should simply frame humanity in a wider, Carl Sagan-esque perspective and context, showing humanity next to unfamiliar/alien "things." But somewhere along the line, the sci-fi genre became focused on those alien things - space ships, aliens, stars exploding, time travel, etc... - losing the point entirely. Gattaca gets it exactly right, though, being entertaining and thoughtful, causing us to reflect on ourselves instead of getting lost in the whizbang nerdyness.

One Paragraph Review: The Kids Are All Right

I loathe touchy-feely dramas that label themselves as comedy. Nothing about this movie said comedy! Everything about this movie screamed "same old drama, lesbian twist." Same old story of a family going through a turning point or tumultuous time, except this family happened have two women at its head. In fact, why did they call it "The kids" at all? It really had little to do with the kids except as plot devices. Can you tell I think this film was misrepresented? Note: just because I think it was misrepresented doesn't mean I think it was bad. But you definitely have to like touchy-feeling dramas sprinkled with cry-fest moments to enjoy it.

One Paragraph Review: Obsessed

Easily one of the worst movies I've seen in a while (and I recently watched GI Joe, forfuckssake), Obsessed unexpectedly proves a few things about the universe which i'd been unsure of. It proves that absolutely anybody can write a script, and it might get made no matter how shit awful it is. It proves that you actually can survive watching a movie with the unbearable Beyonce in it - EVEN WITH her incessant music! - which frankly I would have bet heavily against. Its definitely proof that Ali Larter is mega hot, and most importantly, that you should probably just go watch The Wire instead of anything else that Idris Elba is in. Don't ever watch this movie, and Ali Larter, feel free to be obsessed with me anytime.

One Paragraph Review: Robin Hood

This movie was pretty fucking awful. It's as if Ridley Scott finished watching the director's cut of Kingdom of Heaven, and concluded the biggest problem was that the 4 and 1/2 hour movie was not nearly long enough. Ridley Scott's Robin Hood — which, by the way, is actually a prequel to the story you and I know — contains a cast of a thousand named characters, barely coherent plot and a rather curious interpretation of the Baron's War. I actually thought Russell Crowe and Cate Blanchett did pretty good jobs, but the pacing was all wrong. There were too many characters to keep track of anything. The movie relies on the fact that you already love the Robin Hood characters, and just sort of drives the story along. I get what Scott was trying to do: create an action packed prequel movie to the legend/series we know and love. But wow did he miss the mark.

One Paragraph Review: Congo

Recently, I've encountered something termed "The Saint" effect. This effect is noticeable when watching a loved movie from one's youth in adulthood, only to realize that the movie is actually pretty freaking bad. This effect comes from the movie "The Saint" which rules but is actually pretty lame. Michael Critchton's Congo, I'm proud to report, doesn't suffer from this effect. The movie is decidedly mid-90s in its effects and filmmaking, but it's still pretty fun and enjoyable. There's good acting performance from the three main characters, and a fun sci-fi/fantasy storyline. Fun movie for a Sunday afternoon once football and all other interesting sports have concluded.

One Paragraph Review: The Last Airbender

What an utter disappointment. Watching this movie makes you cringe so hard that you start to wonder what kind of people Shyamalan surrounds himself with. How did nobody else's ears start to bleed when they watched this movie? Shyamalan clearly gets the material. He gets the style, he gets the fantasy, he gets the concept, and I think he even gets the whole overarching plot. How then can he so totally NOT deliver this to a script? Nothing he's touched in the past approaches this level of unwatchability, plagued by lifeless actors reading lines that don't make sense. Did he even watch how ridiculous his characters looked kicking bad CGI fireballs around? And what the hell is that big white flying Falcor-rip off that just flies around the movie moaning?? Do yourself a favor and avoid this; the handful of visually neat scenes just aren't worth killing what I bet is a neat cartoon.

One Paragraph Review: The Karate Kid

It's worth noting that it was probably impossible for me to really like this movie unless I ended up just watching the 1984 Ralph Macchio version. Despite that, this wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I found Jaden Smith to be very unlikable (possibly I am still scarred from The Day the Earth Stood Still), but Jackie Chan was quite good. It's entertaining and respectful to the original, a very young Chinese girl does a very unsettling dance to "Pokerface" and - oh fuck it, who cares; from the moment this movie started, all I cared about was how they were going to handle the Crane Kick. Next to finding One-Eyed Willy's treasure and Maverick re-engaging, the Crane Kick was probably the most important thing I saw on a TV screen growing up. So, how is it in this remake? It sucks. I don't know how I would have done it differently, maybe just give in and copy it directly? - but then again, I wouldn't have fucking remade this movie in the first place!

One Paragraph Review: Aliens vs Predator: Requiem

Ok, so in RandomRuralville, Colorado, Ricky is a down on his luck nice guy who has a thing for the town hot blonde girl Jesse, but Jesse is now dating a douchebag named Dale. Fortunately for Ricky, Jesse finds being a boring loser pizza delivery guy to be an aphrodesiac, so she really actually likes Ricky. Ricky's brother Dallas has just returned from doing minor time in jail for breaking and entering, and they don't get along very well (but have a mutual bro-respect going on). Angry boyfriend Dale jumps Ricky, beats him up, and throws his keys down the sewage drain, which sucks. BUT, Jesse eventually dumps Dale, which rocks, and then inexplicably tells Ricky that they should meet up at the town swimming pool after hours for some naughty time, which rocks even MORE. So they meet up in the swimming pool, Jesse takes her clothes off, and things start to get awesome --- wait wait WHERE ARE THE ALIENS AND PREDATORS?!!?