One Paragraph Review: Hammer of the Gods

Sadly, Hammer of the Gods is not a Led Zeppelin biopic. Instead, we join a small band of 7th century warriors as they venture to find the estranged prince of a British-Viking kingdom. The leader of the Vikings, Steinar, is unfit to ascend to be king, but sets out on the quest in order to prove his worth. The movie is visually quite striking, and I recommend that some director out there hire the Director of Photography and set designer. Everyone else who worked on this film should probably go back to film school.

One Paragraph Review: Pariah

Pariah tells the story of Alike, a 17-year old girl in Brooklyn, who comes out as a Lesbian to her family and best friend. I'll spoil things a little and say this movie is really sad. Alike is a quiet, conservative girl (not politically) and struggles with her identity, alongside equally conservative parents. Pariah is well written, well acted and incredibly well directed. Pariah is the kind of low budget, independent movie you may not have heard of, and probably wouldn't opt to watch, but you should. Really, everyone should see this movie.

One Paragraph Review: Gattaca

It's been a long time since I first saw Gattaca, and I'd forgotten what excellent, top-notch sci-fi it is. Watching it now makes me wonder why it seems that we've lost what makes sci-fi movies great. Great sci-fi should simply frame humanity in a wider, Carl Sagan-esque perspective and context, showing humanity next to unfamiliar/alien "things." But somewhere along the line, the sci-fi genre became focused on those alien things - space ships, aliens, stars exploding, time travel, etc... - losing the point entirely. Gattaca gets it exactly right, though, being entertaining and thoughtful, causing us to reflect on ourselves instead of getting lost in the whizbang nerdyness.

One Paragraph Review: The Kids Are All Right

I loathe touchy-feely dramas that label themselves as comedy. Nothing about this movie said comedy! Everything about this movie screamed "same old drama, lesbian twist." Same old story of a family going through a turning point or tumultuous time, except this family happened have two women at its head. In fact, why did they call it "The kids" at all? It really had little to do with the kids except as plot devices. Can you tell I think this film was misrepresented? Note: just because I think it was misrepresented doesn't mean I think it was bad. But you definitely have to like touchy-feeling dramas sprinkled with cry-fest moments to enjoy it.

One Paragraph Review: Obsessed

Easily one of the worst movies I've seen in a while (and I recently watched GI Joe, forfuckssake), Obsessed unexpectedly proves a few things about the universe which i'd been unsure of. It proves that absolutely anybody can write a script, and it might get made no matter how shit awful it is. It proves that you actually can survive watching a movie with the unbearable Beyonce in it - EVEN WITH her incessant music! - which frankly I would have bet heavily against. Its definitely proof that Ali Larter is mega hot, and most importantly, that you should probably just go watch The Wire instead of anything else that Idris Elba is in. Don't ever watch this movie, and Ali Larter, feel free to be obsessed with me anytime.

One Paragraph Review: Robin Hood

This movie was pretty fucking awful. It's as if Ridley Scott finished watching the director's cut of Kingdom of Heaven, and concluded the biggest problem was that the 4 and 1/2 hour movie was not nearly long enough. Ridley Scott's Robin Hood — which, by the way, is actually a prequel to the story you and I know — contains a cast of a thousand named characters, barely coherent plot and a rather curious interpretation of the Baron's War. I actually thought Russell Crowe and Cate Blanchett did pretty good jobs, but the pacing was all wrong. There were too many characters to keep track of anything. The movie relies on the fact that you already love the Robin Hood characters, and just sort of drives the story along. I get what Scott was trying to do: create an action packed prequel movie to the legend/series we know and love. But wow did he miss the mark.

One Paragraph Review: Congo

Recently, I've encountered something termed "The Saint" effect. This effect is noticeable when watching a loved movie from one's youth in adulthood, only to realize that the movie is actually pretty freaking bad. This effect comes from the movie "The Saint" which rules but is actually pretty lame. Michael Critchton's Congo, I'm proud to report, doesn't suffer from this effect. The movie is decidedly mid-90s in its effects and filmmaking, but it's still pretty fun and enjoyable. There's good acting performance from the three main characters, and a fun sci-fi/fantasy storyline. Fun movie for a Sunday afternoon once football and all other interesting sports have concluded.

One Paragraph Review: The Last Airbender

What an utter disappointment. Watching this movie makes you cringe so hard that you start to wonder what kind of people Shyamalan surrounds himself with. How did nobody else's ears start to bleed when they watched this movie? Shyamalan clearly gets the material. He gets the style, he gets the fantasy, he gets the concept, and I think he even gets the whole overarching plot. How then can he so totally NOT deliver this to a script? Nothing he's touched in the past approaches this level of unwatchability, plagued by lifeless actors reading lines that don't make sense. Did he even watch how ridiculous his characters looked kicking bad CGI fireballs around? And what the hell is that big white flying Falcor-rip off that just flies around the movie moaning?? Do yourself a favor and avoid this; the handful of visually neat scenes just aren't worth killing what I bet is a neat cartoon.

One Paragraph Review: The Karate Kid

It's worth noting that it was probably impossible for me to really like this movie unless I ended up just watching the 1984 Ralph Macchio version. Despite that, this wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I found Jaden Smith to be very unlikable (possibly I am still scarred from The Day the Earth Stood Still), but Jackie Chan was quite good. It's entertaining and respectful to the original, a very young Chinese girl does a very unsettling dance to "Pokerface" and - oh fuck it, who cares; from the moment this movie started, all I cared about was how they were going to handle the Crane Kick. Next to finding One-Eyed Willy's treasure and Maverick re-engaging, the Crane Kick was probably the most important thing I saw on a TV screen growing up. So, how is it in this remake? It sucks. I don't know how I would have done it differently, maybe just give in and copy it directly? - but then again, I wouldn't have fucking remade this movie in the first place!

One Paragraph Review: Aliens vs Predator: Requiem

Ok, so in RandomRuralville, Colorado, Ricky is a down on his luck nice guy who has a thing for the town hot blonde girl Jesse, but Jesse is now dating a douchebag named Dale. Fortunately for Ricky, Jesse finds being a boring loser pizza delivery guy to be an aphrodesiac, so she really actually likes Ricky. Ricky's brother Dallas has just returned from doing minor time in jail for breaking and entering, and they don't get along very well (but have a mutual bro-respect going on). Angry boyfriend Dale jumps Ricky, beats him up, and throws his keys down the sewage drain, which sucks. BUT, Jesse eventually dumps Dale, which rocks, and then inexplicably tells Ricky that they should meet up at the town swimming pool after hours for some naughty time, which rocks even MORE. So they meet up in the swimming pool, Jesse takes her clothes off, and things start to get awesome --- wait wait WHERE ARE THE ALIENS AND PREDATORS?!!?

Second Time Review: Transformers

I didn't break anything, hurt myself or vomit when watching Transformers for the second time, and I think that's proof that I've completed a 12 step process to accept its existence in this world. Really, the key to the process is to stop thinking of it as a "film." Transformers is a actually series of kickass montages, connected by sequences of Megan Fox dressed like a prostitute, bored actors repeating lines that don't make sense, building-sized robots stomping on flower gardens and stereotypically hot blonde girls/loud fat black people cracking alien encryption codes. When you think about it that way, it's kind of hard to hate. Robots look awesome, explosions look awesome, Megan Fox looks awesome. Thats it!

One Paragraph Review: The Buena Vista Social Club

Somehow, this documentary managed to do exactly what the album of the same name did for me, and that is to make me feel like I'm sitting in a small Cuban cafe, smoking a cigar and listening to the smooth sound of old wise Cuban men playing Cuban music. The film kind of starts abruptly for a documentary, jumping right into one-on-one interviews with those who contributed to the Buena Vista Social Club album, but you're engrossed just as quickly as the film starts, and by the end of the movie you feel a special connection with, and enormous admiration for, each of these awesome musicians. Anyone who enjoyed the album, or just wants to get a feel for Cuba, can't miss this.

One Paragraph Review: The Prestige

I've only just seen this film - nearly 4 years after it's release - and have been left wondering why the hell I waited so long. This movie has all the great elements of a top notch Christopher Nolan film: fantastic actors, clever and engaging plot, great story telling and absolutely killer narrative. The narrative structure of the film deserves special attention, tackling an approach that only a great director and screenwriter could make happen. I was even pleasantly surprised that the film asked some deep, thematic questions that had me thinking after the film was over. All around excellent, I can't imagine anybody I wouldn't recommend this to.

One Paragraph Review: Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

This is the worst movie I've seen in a long time. Its so stupid that all you can do is wonder why people bother to make movies if they're going to put such little effort into it. Everybody outside of the effects team that was involved in this movie really just shat the bed, with special finger pointing going to Jessica Alba, who painfully reminds us all of how totally devoid of acting skills or ability she truly is. Everything is so childish and banal that it's impossible to care about anything happening, so honestly, don't see this; go light your feet on fire or something instead.

One Paragraph Review: Moon

Moon falls into that under appreciated category of films which are focused and completely uninterested in appealing to the broadest audience possible. Moon aptly combines the ambiance of 2001: Space Odyssey with the slow, brooding pace of Solaris and the isolation of Cast Away. Sam Rockwell delivers one of the most mezmerizing performances I've seen in years as the film slowly but thoughtfully prods at a themes of isolation, identity, servitude and half a dozen others. It's interesting, clever, and immacualtely constructed even though, to some of people, it will probably move a bit too slowly.

Second Time Review: Batman Begins

The first time I saw Batman Begins, I immediately declared it the best 'comic book movie,' and when I saw The Dark Night, I was forced to slide Batman Begins down to the second best 'comic book movie' ever. Yesterday Isaw Batman Begins again, and it suddenly dawned on me that this new Christopher Nolan "Batman" franchise of films may be the definitive portrait of good versus evil in modern cinema. Now, hold on - I realize it's "just" a comic book at it's heart, but we're talking universal, deep themes about the meaning of real justice and what happens to those who persue it. Batman Begins gives birth to this franchise audaciously; tackling the epic themes that the previous Batman films couldn't take "a comic book" seriously enough to tackle, and does so with fucking Liam Neeson being a total badass as Ra's al Ghul. Amazing.

One Paragraph Review: Balls of Fury

I love playing ping pong, this is a silly movie all about ping pong. I have a well documented affinity for hot girls, and this movie has a super hot Asian girl in it. I have an equally well documented mancrush on Christopher Walken, and this movie has him as an eccentric sort-of-crazy Asian dictator guy! So, this film is gold, right? Let me tell you something: so cruel is this world that we live in, that people are allowed to combine Christopher Walken, hot asian girls and ping pong and still produce shitty movies. Pardon me while I go watch the music video for Weapon of Choice and drink-to-forget.

One Paragraph Review: Serenity

If you gave me a pot of gold and told me to go make a movie, I would return with Hot Fuzz. if you gave me a pot of gold and told me to make a sci-fi movie, I would return with Serenity. I love this movie that much. Really, there's just nothing worth changing or complaining about. The story is great. The acting is great. The action is great. The dialogue rocks. May best of all, the art direction supports what is great about this movie. Serenity doesn't try to be anything it isn't. It knows its place and just rules at it. This movie is not Nate Kaeding.

One Paragraph Review: Away We Go

This was a sweet and extremely heartfelt movie, and I liked it a lot. Away We Go tells the story of two soon-to-be parents just trying to figure out how this crazy world works. In some ways, this is a great "protagonist movie" -- and by that I mean the movie does a great job of connecting you with the two main characters. I sympathized with their "plight" and I identified with their adventure, despite the fact that I've never dealt with that situation. This move is also one that I probably wouldn't have been able to identify with just a few years ago. But that makes it no less relevant or interesting. Away We Go was also really fucking hilarious.

One Paragraph Review: The Hangover

What a clever idea for a film. Sure, it's basically a more serious version of "Dude, Where's My Car?" but it's tons of fun. Most of us have had the experience of trying to piece together a particularly out-of-control night of revelry and The Hangover does a hilarious job of showing us one of the most epic nights of debauchery ever. Everything is hilarious, from the subtle facial expressions of disbelief to the most insane of activities. I was particularly pleased that they completely refrained from showing what happened on the night in question, instead letting the narrative be set by the events of "the morning after." I only wish they hadn't revealed so much in the trailer, as some of this (the tiger, the baby, Mike Tyson, etc..) would have been excellent surprises.