MSPaint Review: Live Free or Die Hard

One Paragraph Review: The Beach

Despite the fact that everybody hates this movie, I really enjoy it. A lot of criticism apparently comes due to the fact that - here's a shocker - it's "not as good as the book" (which I never read). Sure, Leo is probably too pretty for the role, and the happily-ever-after ending might subvert the film's message, but the ride is entertaining. This film just speaks to the insatiable, islomaniac-escapist in me. I love that it's not afraid to delve a bit into madness and that the paradise they have can't last. Obviously one could see a message of "wanting this is stupid, because it will eventually break down," but I can't help it - I want to do exactly what these characters did.

One Paragraph Review: Definitely, Maybe

For most male viewers, Romantic comedies tend to be like a visit to the dentist - something boring that one needs to fight through with occasional moments of intense pain. Through the unholy (though ingenious) use of silly writing, this movie is able to consist of ONLY those climactic super-sappy moments that in most tolerable romantic comedies only last for a few merciful minutes. Here, it's an entire movie of them. This is the romantic comedy equivalent of in intravenous feed of heroin; no background, no build up, no characters, just uninterrupted PURE sap. It's evil genius like the Dodgers acquiring Jake Peavy or choosing beautiful women to serve alcohol. Sexual content has pornography, action sequences have "Transformers," and now sappiness has this movie. Women should have "Definitely, Maybe" on constant loop and men should fear it like they do the phrase "we need to talk."

MS Paint Review: Taken

One Paragraph Review: Zack and Miri Make a Porno

Zack and Miri tries admirably to tell a story about what happens when people try to have sex without feelings. There were some funny moments (and one gut wrenching scene involving a certain body function) but the moral of the story does sort of kill the funny. My biggest problem though was that I just didn't buy the acting. Zack aka Seth Rogan basically plays the same character as his other movies. And that's fine. And funny. But I just did not buy Elizabeth Banks in her role as Miri. I guess the role was specifically written for Rosario Dawson, but it didn't make sense to me. Miri is supposed to be this pathetic and ignored girl. But Elizabeth Banks is stunningly good looking. It's a gap that the movie never attempted to address.

One Paragraph Review: Step Brothers

Is it just me or has it been a while since there was a funny Will Ferrell movie? It's been several years since I laughed as hard as when I saw Anchorman or the Rickey Bobby movie. Stepbrothers wasn't on that level, but it was still pretty good. Mary Steenbergen particularly stood out as the Mom of Will Farrell and John C. Reily. I think Brad said in his review that you should be drunk while watching this movie, to laugh louder. You don't have to be drunk but I guess it wouldn't hurt.

One Paragraph Review: Live Free or Die Hard

This was a very enjoyable movie, despite the fact that almost nothing in it makes any sense at all. John McClane comes back in the fourth film of this great trilogy to battle cyber hackers, French mercenaries, F-35s and one "Asian ninja bitch." The action is great. However, when watching this movie it is very important that you ask no questions at all. None. The movie is completely absurd and you should just accept it and enjoy the explosions.

MS Paint Review: Transformers

One Paragraph Review: Stick It

Yes, this was your typical teenage girl flick. Pick your average girl activity, pick some stereotypical girl characters, throw them in a pot, film, and have a straight to DVD movie. However, this did have two mini-gems. First, the lead actress, Missy Peregrym, was actually really good and played the role well. Second, the gymnastics was actually really good. I'm of the feeling that if your going to drag me through 90 minutes of teenage stereotypes, at least show me some good dancing and gymnastics. So many of these kinds of movies don't succeed in this area (I know I'm picky about this since I dance) but this one actually did!

One Paragraph Review: Step Brothers

This movie was much more enjoyable than I expected it to be. As opposed to Talladega Nights, where Will Ferrell was the star and John C. Reilly was a supporting character, this film was more balanced between the two. This balanced partnership certainly worked for me, I thought there were some seriously hilarious moments especially as someone who has step siblings. It was particularly fun to see scenes that totally could have been my step brothers at age ten and eleven, but played out with two 40 year olds. I have to say though, it was Mary Steenburgen who stole the show for me. I thought she did a wonderful job and I loved her character.

One Paragraph Review: Burn After Reading

I have to say this movie was a let down for me. I generally like Coen Brother's films, and I at least appreciate the humor even if I don't laugh out loud. But this movie just didn't do it for me. As the absurdity of the situation grew, I got more and more detached from the plot. I guess my tolerance for watching stupid people do stupid things on film has declined with age.

One Paragraph Review: Taken

I don't have much insight about this movie. If you enjoy a good action movie or if you enjoy watching someone kick bad guys' behinds for two hours, then this is pretty much the ideal film. Liam Neeson rocks the screen for two hours, totally keeping you on the edge of your seat and your body temperature up by about 2 degrees. What more can you ask for from a movie watching experience? I loved it!

One Paragraph Review: The Day the Earth Stood Still

This has got to be one of the most cliche packed, unoriginal, stupid movies ever put together. Nothing about this movie suggests any writing effort whatsoever, its totally uninspired bleh. After 20 minutes, I nearly gave up completely and abandoned the film all together. Everything you see and hear is just thrown into the film for whatever reason, sensical or not, with no explanation of anything. Its like a river of recycled movie scenes and soulless throw-away characters that meanders in random directions without going anywhere. It's rancid collection the worst parts of Transformers and Armageddon, punctuated by idiotic bullshit dialogue between meaningless skeletons of characters. I could write entire pages recounting my horrified laughing at absurd scene after absurd scene, but frankly, id rather focus on trying to forget that this ever crossed my life.

One Paragraph Review: The Wrestler

I've come to accept The Wrestler like I eventually come accept other things which I struggle with at first, like lifeless, flat surf on my day off or a girlfriend's late-night-drunken rage. Though I was immediately taken by Rourke's "Randy the Ram," I had a few issues with the film and really felt that some elements of the plot were too weak to support the awesome emotion in certain scenes. A month has gone by, my thoughts have coalesced, and though my qualms with the film still exist, the movie's overwhelming weight has sort of drown them out in my head. The Wrestler is like a dramatic biopic. It is not a film about doing somebody or something justice, or making an argument for a cause; it's about The Ram. It doesn't care whether it leaves you happy or sad, and it doesn't care if you understood why anybody besides The Ram said what they said, or did what they did. All that matters in this entire film is The Ram; you see him and you can't help but feel him.

One Paragraph Review: Bottle Shock

Bottle Shock — which Wikipedia informs me is a "dramedy" — tells the story of a Northern California winery that overcame nearly two hours of cinematic mediocrity to produce good wine and allegedly good times. Apart from Bill Pullman and the Freddy Rodriguez character, I had a hard time figuring out how any of the characters were connected to the wine industry. It felt like the producers (or the financial backers) of Bottle Shock just really liked the story, and didn't really care if anyone else did. Alan Rickman is a great actor. His performance in this movie is no exception to his norm, but it's not enough to make this movie worth your time.

One Paragraph Review: Rescue Dawn

I hope you haven't read Karly's review of this movie because I'm just going to copy what she said. The pace of this movie is very slow and leaves you wanting more development of the characters. There is really no explanation of anything. I get that this (true) story is an amazing one, but I just didn't feel it. If the movie doesn't care to invest in its own characters, why should I? I will admit, I did find the jungle scenes strangely beautiful. The nicest thing I can say about this movie is that it made me want to watch other, better Vietnam-era movies.

One Paragraph review: Deja Vu

I'm no physicist but even I found Deja Vu to be lame. The frustrating part is that it starts off promising, with Denzel doing a good jof leading the story in a compelling direction. However, the writers made a seriously bad choice, which I feel is at the heart of my displeasure with this movie. They chose the happy hollywood ending instead of the ending that would make a better, more sane film. I couldn't help but think of 13 Monkeys, which does time travel so brilliantly. Maybe I'm being biased here, but I prefer my time-travel movies to reinforce the idea that no matter what you go back in time and do, what's happened has already happened, and you can't change history. Any other angle falls into the traditional time travel paradoxes. 13 Monkeys beautifully and consistently lays that out. Unfortunately for Deja Vu's writers, if you're Denzel Washington and the life of a beautiful woman who you want to bone is at stake, it turns out that you can, in fact, go back in time and alter history. BOOOOOO!

One Paragraph Review: Troy

I watched Troy over the weekend, my second time seeing it, and was reminded how adapting the story of the Trojan War is high on my list of things I would never want to attempt.The Iliad and the numerous other poems and texts that tell of The Trojan War relate a complex, high-fantasy story that the vast majority of the world would quickly lose interest in. You know, the same reasons you DIDN'T read it would make a truthful adaptation a tedious film. Jamming the parts that make a good movie into just ~2 hours is a ridiculous task, so it's not surprising that Troy doesn't bother with a lot of the fantasy and flavor in the original text. What Troy does do is brilliantly cast several key roles, give a sufficient overall view of the story, essentially leave out the role of the Gods all together, serve up some great action, be totally ambivalent about which side is "the good guys," provide small moments of brilliance and then go absolutely batshit Hollywood with the ending of the film. Despite it's flaws and taken liberties, Troy is enjoyable and entertaining. Sure, I'd have done several things differently, but I'd also probably have killed myself before this rubix-cube-from-hell of a film was actually finished, so I really can't complain.

One Paragraph Review: The Departed

I saw The Departed for the second time this weekend and re-affirmed what I thought after seeing it the first time in the theaters: The Departed is one of the best crime/mob movies in a very long time. I love everything about this film, with the lone exception being the ending, which strikes me as overly conclusive (not everybody has to die in the end of the movie to provide some closure). This movie is wonderfully written, masterfully directed and perfectly acted. The plot device of an undercover agent and a mole in a police office trying to find each other is perfectly directed. It's the center of the film, but there are so many other characters interacting in other plot elements that it never feels forced or jammed down our throats. To top it all off, a well selected soundtrack including Pink Floyd & the Dropkick Murphys contributes nicely to the film. This film is a must for anybody who appreciates a good crime drama (or just a great film).