One Paragraph Review: Battle Planet

A good low-budget science fiction "b-movie" should accept the fact that the special effects will be lacking and the acting might suck, so instead focus on telling an interesting or unique story. So, in the spirit of "low-budget science fiction b-movies," I could find it in appropriate context to give Battle Planet a free pass for dialogue that makes your eyes roll, acting that makes you look away and special effects that make you laugh out loud; because I would then go on to say that it did something either unique or interesting to provide entertainment or interest. Unfortunately, at no point in this two hour blackhole does it ever approach anything worth a damn. It's completely conservative, boring, incoherent and stupid. In fact, this movie's very existence is a monument to our society's excess and waste. It's amazing only in how totally unremarkable it is and how it leaves me asking, "How does this kind of shit ever even get made?"

One Paragraph Review: Click

Adam Sandler's movies are starting to become sad, sardonic reflections on where his career has wound up. Like all the other movies from the "Adam Sandler Movie Template," Click has those moments of out of place stupidity just so that Sandler can say something funny in the Adam Sandler Voice. Its half-assed attempts at serious scenes end up as self-parody and, of course, it has a lovely everybody-is-happy ending to go along with that feel-good message about family values that you already knew was coming. And, just to add insult to boring film making, Click absolutely knows that it's crap. It's obnoxiously punctuated with beautiful actresses in basically every single speaking female role, just in case the film's banality starts suffocating you and you need something else to focus your attention on. Christopher Walken and a horny dog provide the only amusement in another forgettable Sandler flick.

One Paragraph Review: 21 Grams

While director Alejandro González Iñárritu definitely deserves every bit of acclaim and praise he has received for his thoughtful and careful direction, what really sets this movie apart for me is the performances by the lead roles. Each of the lead characters gives defining, visceral performances. Each of these actors deliver scene after scene of unbelievable emotional weight, focusing the film on Naiomi Watts' agony when she screams, "I am paralyzed here! I am a fucking amputee!" or Benicio del Toro's haunting guilt as he mutters "One of the girls that I killed, she looked me in the eye, she wanted to tell me something," or Sean Penn's fury as he shouts, "You can help me die BETTER. Well, I'm not gonna do that, okay? I'd rather die outside." On the strength of these awesome performances, this is a great, powerful film that you're not likely to easily forget.

One Paragraph Review: Brotherhood of the Wolf

Let me come right out and say I absolutely loved this movie. A French film from 2001 about a werewolf who terrorizes a rural province in 18th century France, Brotherhood of the Wolf has every basic element you need in a movie. It not only has them, but does superb job integrating each element. There is top notch action, some horror, quite a bit of suspense, a sappy but enjoyable love story, history and political intrigue, quality cast with great characters; and did I mention the badass action sequences? I wish every movie was this fun and engaging.

One Paragraph Review: Sex and the City

I've got a great temptation to say that this movie was exactly like Star Trek: Generations in that it was two hours of filling random plot gaps created by a previously successful television show. Maybe that's unfair. I watched every single episode of Sex and the City and was never confused as to how the show would end: Carrie and Big make it happen, and live happily ever after. But despite the wholesale shallowness of Sex and the City, its simultaneously vapid and manic characters and its predictability, I can't help but like the show (and the movie). I would never see it again but if you enjoyed the show you probably should punctuate the experience with this movie.

One Paragraph Review: Aeon Flux

After watching Aeon Flux, two very different points were unmistakably clear to me: First, that Charlize Theron is impossibly hot when she wants to be, and second, that somewhere in the core material that the film "Aeon Flux" is based on lies a neat, potential-filled sci-fi story. The resulting movie-going experience tore me in two distinct directions: go watch more Charlize Theron movies or go research the original "Aeon Flux" material. The film sort of kept me in a trance with confusing entertainment, but was generally a bit of a let down because it's nothing you haven't already seen (girl-dons-spandex-stands-infront-of-camera-and-does-gymnastic-karate, rinse & repeat). However, I couldn't escape the movie without being intrigued. At the core of the plot are some really neat ideas and flashes of sci-fi uniqueness that piqued my interest enough to do some Wikipedia exploring on the original Aeon Flux material. Sadly, very little of the mystique which apparently made Aeon Flux unique is present in this film. Still, Charlize Theron makes the movie worth if if you're into that whole "jaw-dropping physical beauty" sort of thing.

One Paragraph Review: Chronicles of Riddick

After seeing this movie for the third time this past weekend I still cannot figure out why I like it so much. I don't really like Vin Diesel all that much. I think it's stupid that a female character who was masculine enough to pass for a boy named "Jack" for the first half of Pitch Black has returned but now played by some super hot hollywood chick. None of the acting performances are particularly strong. Yet somehow I've been consistently entertained by this movie three times now. I think in the end, like with Pitch Black, director David Twohy just makes good sci-fi movies. It's got a great combination of action, interesting space-opera elements and fantasy-like characters and setting to make for a neat movie. If you like sci-fi, I think it's hard not to enjoy this!

One Paragraph Revew: Zack and Miri Make a Porno

Yes, "Zack and Miri" is unbelievably crude. It's usually hilarious, but is at it's worst when sometimes the dialog feels like a cheap "shock" tool. But what is really great is what Smith, again revealed to be a total romantic sap, is actually saying with this film. The irony here is that so many people have pre-crucified this movie for assuming that because it has the word "porno" in the title, it must disrespect sex as something casual or meaningless. The reality is that this movie actually loudly proclaims the exact opposite point. Despite an absolute barrage of off-limits words and an avalanche of on-screen sex and casual "porno" talk, Smith manages to make a film which actually unequivocally asserts that sex isn't just a physical act; that normal people can't (or at least shouldn't) have sex without love. This flick is funny, entertaining and, if you aren't squeamish when it comes to sex, is worth your money.

One Paragraph Review: The Da Vinci Code

I was one of the six or so people who didn't read the book a few years back and managed to catch this on TV over the weekend. I had basically no expectations of the movie itself and found it to be exceptionally entertaining. Dan Brown's story is exciting and interesting, even to someone like myself, who knows as close to nothing about religious history as one can reasonably get. The film is competently directed, with a great cast and a quick, exciting pace that doesn't leave the viewer behind. Of course, I can't speak to (or really care about) the movie's historical or religious accuracy, but it's certainly fun and entertaining.

One Paragraph Review: The Brave One

Right up front I have to state that I didn't watch this movie closely. But if you watch The Brave One I sincerely doubt you'll watch it closely, either. It's an awful movie. Maybe they were trying to shock me, or play with my emotions, but I never got sucked or suckered in. Just the opposite. I was, more or less, repulsed by Jodi Foster's character. The ending was especially ridiculous and laughable. Such a shame from a great director and a great actress.