One Paragraph Review: Walking Tall

If you ever wanted proof that Hollywood produces movies that reinforce what *not* to do as an honest, responsible citizen, look no further than Walking Tall. Here is a film who's protagonist answers every situation with violence, even when his friends and family suggest lawful alternative after lawful alternative. "Try to reason with them!" "No!" says Chris! "Tell the cops!" "No!" says Chris, "the answer will be me and my two-by-four!" Thus, we are provided the following of life's lessons: if you have problems or disagreements, violently assaulting people who are tangentially related to the person you don't like is not only the correct, justified answer, but when the cops arrest you for assault, battery and attempted murder, all you have to do is fire your provided legal council, make an impassioned speech, ignore the judge when he tells the jury to disregard your sanctimonious, self-righteous but irrelevant soliloquy justifying your beating up of random people, and the jury will acquit you! That you put ten guys in the hospital because you were angry is totally awesome because when you're right, the law doesn't matter! Finally, you get to bang the town's super hot girl, who spends most of the movie in just her bright red bra, just because! Woo!

One Paragraph Review: The Punisher

Dr Martin Luther King Jr once said, "violence begets violence" - a simple, yet effective insight. The writers of The Punisher took a somewhat more nuanced approach, feeling that things should go a little more like this: violence begets a tedious, insipid story of nonsense that subjects you to the boohoo story of Frank Castle, an epically cliche-filled monument to blah portrayed by an actor who's lack of emotional depth makes Christopher Lambert's "Beowulf" look like Mickey Rourke's "Randy the Ram," embarking on a convoluted quest of unnecessary complexity rivaling even the most absurd James Bond villain scenario, derailing a few times to include "don't care, don't care - God, don't care" sideplots like redemption in the arms of the token 'unfortunate pretty blonde girl' or the ABC Family Channel feel-good happy ending for a couple down-on-their-luck losers, before finally, only in the last 20 minutes and only after an unintentionally hilarious Last of the Mohicans scene with a bow-and-arrow, pulling out a few guns and fucking shooting people. Was all of that really necessary? I think Dr. King had it right - in some cases, violence just begets violence. The Punisher should have been one of those cases.

One Paragraph Review: Serenity

I will state something that I can't fairly or completely justify here: Serenity is one of the best science fiction movies of all time. Like the truly great sci-fi films, Serenity is not just an "excellent genre (sci-fi) movie," but just a great movie by any genre's standards. In fact, Serenity is such a strong film that I almost hate to label it just a "sci-fi movie" because it's so much better than 90% of that genre. Its visuals are exciting, its characters are warm and engaging, the story is meaningful and interesting and all the little wonderful bits and pieces are tied together with excellent direction. It's refreshingly funny in some scenes and honestly dramatic at others. For sci-fi or fantasy fans, Serenity goes the extra mile by creating a vibrant, enticing and fantastic universe; a universe that is uncommonly unique - part western, part science fiction, part Chinese/Hong Kong action movie. Really, this is just pure movie goodness for fans of all genres, with an extra bonus for those (of us) who think spaceships are cool.

One Paragraph Review: Quantum of Solace

It might be tough for me to put into words how colossally disappointed I was with this movie. But here's an attempt. By itself, the movie was a barely coherent clump of action scenes, uneven dialogue, less-than-zero character development, all packaged with an eye-rollingly bad plot. Buy my real disappointment stems from the dive the franchise has taken after the blissful and fulfilling Casino Royale. We were presented with a franchise reboot that was smart, grounded and (for the most part) realistic. Bond is at his worst when he's Superman: when he can drive all manner of cars, boats and airplanes; when he can woo women and treat people as if they have nothing to do with anything; when baddies can fire semi-automatic rifles from feet away and the bullets disappear into thin air. Basically, Quantum of Solace was a return to everything I hated about the late Pierce Brosnan Bond movies. Let us pray that Quantum was an unfortunate blip in the franchise reboot, and it wasn't Casino Royale that was the blip.

One Paragraph Review: A Beautiful Mind

I can't think of any movie that has a more unnatural and unexplained romance than this film, and unfortunately it really irritates the hell out of me. Jennifer Connelly's gorgeous character, who ,by the way, is the only remotely attractive female in the entire three hour film, falls in love with Russell Crowe's hapless, unlikable character for absolutely no reason at all. I get that people fall in love for unobvious or subtle reasons, but "so we can stick Jennifer Connelly in the movie" is not one I'm willing to accept. Her character, which oscillates between a devilish siren and a Lifetime Move of the Week supporting cast member, falls in love with Nash early, giving no explanation for her choices or actions. This shoddily written romance, which is a core element of the film, really stands out like a cheap trick in what is otherwise a well acted, aptly directed movie. Crowe's acting and Howard's direction were well worthy of great acclaim, but Connelly's role is more suspect for me. She does a great job with what I find to be a blight of a character on an otherwise solid film - oh well, I guess it's an acting award, not a writing award, right?

One Paragraph Review: My Super Ex-Girlfriend

I couldn't find a lot to dislike about this movie, but I think that's because it's hard to separate poodle shit from terrier shit, or deer shit from elk shit. When you're staring at a pile of shit, it really doesn't matter what kind it is, just that it's shit, and really, thats how I felt about My Super Ex-Girlfriend. It wasn't offensively bad, or horrifyingly stupid, it was just boring and kind of bland. The girls were cute and there were some funny parts, but you know exactly how the movie is going to end. The only noteworthy thing is that buried in this pile of shit is the brilliant Eddie Izzard, who is shamefully underutilized here. The way they wrote his vapid character, they may as well have given the role to a guy off the street.

One Paragraph Review: Slumdog Millionaire

Slumdog Millionaire is the best movie of 2008. There, I said it. I know it cleaned up at the Oscars but it really deserved too. The movie is entirely uplifting, yet is riveting and thrilling up until that satisfying ending. The acting is tremendous. The editing supports and strengthens the other elements of the film, rather than pull them down. The music is incredible. With the exception of Heat and the Big Lebowski, I can't think of any other films where I finished the movie and wanted to hit rewind and watch it all over again. Slumdog Millionaire is one of these movies. Tremendous film.

One Paragraph Review: Be Kind Rewind

I could try and describe the story and meaning behind Be Kind Rewind, but I don't really think my explanation would make sense. And Be Kind Rewind doesn't really make a whole lot of sense, either. The story is sort of inane and downright weird, but Michel Gondrey's directing is compelling and by the end I couldn't help but like this movie. Be Kind Rewind has a very neat and warm ending. I don't know if most of the cast are random people or unknown professional actors, but the nameless faces were a welcome change from "big name" comedies. I say this with the caveat that the movie, of course, stars Jack Black, Mos Def, Danny Glover, Mia Farrow and features a random cameo by Sigorney Weaver. If you can stomach the meandering story, I think you might just enjoy the art behind this movie.

One Paragraph Review: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

You get home from work. Your tired, even exhausted. It's been a long day. For hours you'd dreamed of coming home and laying down on your plush leather couch. You take off your tightly wound dress shoes, and put your feet up and relax. You remember the best part of coming home though: your delicious left overs from the best restaurant in town! This is one of your all time favorite restaurants, and lucky you, there was some left overs from your last trip. You jump up, your spirit buoyed by the thought of the delicious and pleasant reheated meal you're about to enjoy. You open your fridge, only to find out that someone has covered the entire fridge, and your food, top to bottom, in six solid inches of human excrement. Shit covers your refrigerator, and now fills your entire apartment with the stench of thousands of people shitting thousands of meals. This is the feeling I got from watching Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

One Paragraph Review: Taking Chance

Taking Chance relays the true story of the escort home of PFC Chance Phelps, after he was killed in combat in Iraq in 2004. To be honest, I'm conflicted as to what I think of this movie. On the one hand, I found the story fascinating and moving. Kevin Bacon's subtle and affecting performance strikes exactly the right notes. He is solemn yet warm. The film made good use (maybe too much use) of wide shots to show the various points of Phelps's trip home. But on the other hand, I wonder if this movie would mean anything if you haven't been directly affected by the wars in Iraq or Afghanistan. The movie does not flesh out a story from which viewers can subscribe to the drama of the Phelps family. Viewers are left to fill in the blanks with their own personal experience and sadness. And perhaps the real sadness of Taking Chance is that there are enough people who can fill in their own stories.